Sunday, June 29, 2014

Saddest day of my life...

(I do not normally post very personal stuff on my blog...this is the exception.)   


      It's amazing how your life can change in a single moment...sometimes its a surprise...or a blessing..on the other hand, its not always what you want..what you hope for..what you plan.....it doesn't always take you to a place that you want to be....I very recently became pregnant...the excitement..joy...happiness..& nervousness was the greatest thing that ever happened to me! My husband and I were thrilled...I was having a totally normal pregnancy...all the symptoms were there...I was happy...

    I was going into my 8th week and started having some spotting...my doctor said it was fine and only to worry if it became red...2 days later..it did...I rushed to the hospital...my husband left work to get there to me...I spent 4 1/2 hours in the emergency room having every test done under the sun...and during my ultrasound, we saw a steady heartbeat...the pure relief of that moment was so amazing! I thought...we are gonna be ok....but the ultrasound showed that my gestational sac was irregular shaped and the baby was measuring at 6 weeks..not 8....and there was no yolk sac....which was not a good sign..but I still had hope.

    That night I literally didn't sleep at all from the cramping and pain...excruciating is putting it mildly.....The next day I was already scheduled for my first visit at the O.B. so they told me to still come in to get checked again....and there was my sweet, caring husband, right by my side holding my hand through the entire ordeal. I don't think I could have made it through this without him...After another ultrasound (which during it we had to evacuate to the basement because of a tornado, yea...I know...worst day ever) It was determined it was a full on miscarriage...my sadness is unexplainable...the feeling that I lost my baby..that it's no longer in my tummy...I can't express it in words...i won't have my sweet tiny in February...I won't have my baby for Valentines day...or for my birthday...I won't have this baby, ever....

     I am trying to be strong...but I know I need to let the feelings out...and to grieve...I cry every 5 minutes...(more like every single second though, inside)...the physical pain is a constant reminder that this is still happening and it keeps breaking my heart all over again...

     I am so pissed off too..this is just unfair...I didn't do anything to make this happen! I read every single piece of info to have a healthy pregnancy...I exercised....ate all the foods I should have been...I even cut out caffeine entirely! All I did was look at pregnancy forums every single night to make sure I was doing all I could to be safe for the baby... I even had my baby registry all done! I had bought lots of unisex outfits...I know I was kinda getting ahead of myself..but I was so excited!

      Questions keep running through my mind over and over again...how do these people that have no idea that they are pregnant...have healthy babies...or the druggies and alcoholics out there have healthy babies..or people who didn't even want a baby...have babies??? And me...I didn't. Maybe God is trying to make them see that there is good in the world...and life can be happy...and me...maybe since my life has been pretty happy up until this point...maybe I just have to wait a little longer for my little miracle. That still doesn't stop me from getting mad at the fact that they got to have their baby and I didn't...I cry every time I think about it...i started my baby pregnancy journal too...I'll have to use some washi tape or white out and cover up all the stuff I'd written in it so far...I ordered a bunch of baby stuff in the mail too...that stuff is still on it's way....I guess I will put it all in a "someday" box....

    I hope one day I will have a healthy baby....until then I am going to use this time to become a better mommy for my next baby...learn to be a better wife to my husband....to be a better friend...to be a stronger, braver person...learn to perfect those baby harem pants and hats I have been spending hours sewing...maybe learn to knit a blanket....Feel blessed that I was able to get pregnant in the first place...to not be scared because I've been here before and if it happens again I will know it will be ok.....or rather...I will know what to expect...God has a plan for me...and that is not something I will ever fully understand....but i know things happen for a reason...people lose babies...but then they have these wonderful magical babies that none of us could imagine life without..My memory of this will not go away but time will make it heal...lots of time...

    I understand that I am not the only one that this has happened to, and that it's more common than I could ever have imagined...I know so many people that this has happened to...and the whole time I was pregnant..and even before.. I was fearful that this would happen...but you never actually believe it will actually happen to you....

    I know this is not my fault...and I didn't do anything to make this happen. This story is sad..I needed to get it out though...and to find a silver lining amidst this heart breaking tragedy. 

12 comments:

  1. Kelly,

    I'm so sorry...I know that's an understatement. My cousin is almost 4 months pregnant and she went to the emergency room yesterday morning due to spotting and they told her she would be fine and that the baby would be fine. Makes me a little apprehensive after reading your post. Keep your head up. I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but I will keep you in my prayers.

    xoxo,
    Tinisha

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    1. I am sure your cousin and her baby will be ok...as long as she has been checked...those doctors know what to look for....I wasn't given much hope from my doctors....and I'm glad I wasn't now...it would have made it even harder....Thank you so much for your kind words! They mean a lot to me. xoxoxo

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  2. Kelly you are meant to a mama more than any person in the world I know. You WILL have a baby in your arms one day. But for now you have a baby in heaven …. and that is ultimate. That is where we all hope to be some day. Be comforted in that.
    I love you Kelly Kat

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    1. Thank u Val...you are such a good friend! love u!

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  3. Hello Kelly. This is the first time I've come to your blog - I'm so sorry to read of your loss. I've written about both of mine explicitly on my blog, and I've often wondered the same things about the druggies and alcoholics and women who didn't want their babies, and why those of us who want them so badly have to go through this. I just want you to know that you're not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm only an e-mail away. xoxo

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    1. I'm bummed your first visit to my blog was to discover such a sad post...this is definitely not what I usually write about...but thank you for your sweet, sweet words and for reassuring me that I am not alone in this..I hope you come back to visit my blog again..hopefully to find a more happy entry...xoxox

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  4. I know we don't know one another, but I'm so sorry this has happened, sweetheart. I send you hugs and please know that I am praying for your broken heart.

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    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers! <3 xoxo

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  5. you know I love you friend. There is no rhyme or reason it just happens. I'm here for you if you need anything!! And be encouraged that after I had my miscarriage I went and had two perfectly healthly babies with no problems :) xoxo

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  6. I remember when this happened to me I had those same feelings and sometimes still dont understand why. Im glad you have your faith to keep you strong. When I got pregnant with my son I was terrified of losing him all the way up to the minute I gave birth to him..something like this definitely rocks you to your core. You are in my thoughts ((hugs))

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    1. I know the next time I am pregnant...(hopefully that happens one day)...that I will be extremely nervous & afraid of every little thing that happens...but i am hopeful that I will have a baby of my own one day :). Thank you for your sweet post.

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